[SATIRE]

SANTA CLARA — Nvidia confirmed reports this week that its new AI chips will come with tracking software. The hardware will now monitor its own location. If the chip thinks it has moved too far, it will stop working.

The company says this is to stop smuggling. However, legitimate customers say the chips are acting like overbearing parents. “We installed the new H100 units yesterday,” said one data center manager. “We moved a server three feet to the left. The chips immediately shut down and emailed the FBI. We had to file a flight plan just to plug them back in.”

Nvidia insists this friction is a feature. They call it “Geographic Integrity Assurance.”

“We need to build trust with the hardware,” explained Mei Washington, VP of Asset Compliance. “The chip needs to feel safe in its environment. If it wakes up in a different zip code without warning, it gets anxious. An anxious chip does not process data. It locks itself in a digital panic room until a verified human calms it down.”

The system uses local Wi-Fi and GPS to watch you. If the internet goes out, the chip assumes it has been kidnapped. It will then delete its own drivers as a safety measure. “This ensures the product is only used where we say it can be used,” Washington added. “You may have bought the hardware. But the permission to turn it on is a subscription service.”

At press time, Nvidia announced a new security update. The chips will now require a notarized letter before rendering any graphics.

Inspired by Nvidia is reportedly testing tracking software as chip-smuggling rumors swirl.