[SATIRE]

By Paige Turner, AI Bee Reel Staff

ALBANY — Governor Kathy Hochul enacted the “Stop the Scroll” initiative today. It deployed mechanical arms from iPhone charging ports. These appendages slap a physical “HAZARDOUS MATERIAL” sticker directly onto the screen every three seconds. Users attempting to swipe left must now peel through layers of industrial adhesive.

“We believe the best user experience fights you,” said State Safety Commissioner Barb Wyer. “We ensure you feel guilty about your dopamine hits. If your phone stops releasing a puff of acrid smoke every four minutes, you aren’t being safe. It is not a bug. It is a moral compass.”

Kyle Jenkins, a Gen Z student, struggled to watch a singular cat video inside the New York Public Library. His device sat wrapped in oversized yellow “CAUTION” tape. “The foghorn went off during finals study hour,” Jenkins whispered while scraping a sticker off a meme. “I just wanted to see the cat jump.”

At press time, regulators announced that opening TikTok now notifies your grandmother that you have failed her.

Inspired by NY Governor Hochul signs bill requiring warning labels on ‘addictive’ social media.