[SATIRE]

CUPERTINO — The App Store released its annual list of “Best Apps for Creativity” on Thursday. The winners share a common goal. They help users feel like artists without the burden of actually making art.

The top-rated app, VibeCanvas, costs $20 per month. It does not have drawing tools. Instead, it opens a blank white screen and prevents the screen from sleeping. This allows users to sit in coffee shops and look busy. “We sell the feeling of potential,” said Dmitri Patel, VP of Aspirational Creativity. “Our data shows that 90% of users just want to hold the stylus and look thoughtful. We optimized the app for that specific use case.”

Another winner, SketchFake, solves the problem of bad drawings. It uses AI to turn your wobbly lines into “style choices.” If you draw a hand with six fingers, the app labels it “surrealist commentary.”

“Users were discouraged by their own lack of skill,” explained Chloe Mwangi, Director of User Validation. “That is a friction point. So we removed the skill requirement. Now, if you draw a stick figure, our software adds a texture that makes it look like a gritty indie comic. You feel talented instantly. That feeling is what you are paying for.”

The app also includes a “Creative Block” mode. For an extra $5 a month, it disables all tools so you can blame the software for your lack of output.

At press time, Apple announced a new Apple Pencil Pro. It does not write, but it tastes like charcoal for authentic chewing.

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