“We removed the guesswork from intimacy,” said Marcus Chen, VP of Neuro-Love. “Body language is too vague. You need raw cranial data to know if your joke landed.” At every CES, companies now promise to boost mental health with skull gadgets. Experts say everyone will wear brain monitors soon.

The technology is moving fast. “Our algorithm predicts a breakup three weeks in advance,” explained Sarah Jenkins, Chief Romance Officer. “This saves users money on appetizers.” Critics say the helmets are heavy. One user got a neck cramp trying to nod enthusiastically. Another man tried to fake interest to impress a girl. His helmet just overheated and sparked.

At press time, the waiter arrived wearing his own helmet, which flashed “TIP RISK: HIGH” and auto-added a 20% service charge.

Inspired by the real story: Companies at CES are increasingly pushing brain-computer interfaces and wearables that claim to track mental states. Read the full story.