[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — Black Friday sales broke records this week. Retailers say AI is the main reason. Major stores unveiled a new feature called “Pre-Emptive Fulfillment.” The system buys things for you before you even look at them.

The goal is to remove the “pain” of decision-making. “We found that looking at the price makes people sad,” said Sophia Washington, VP of Predictive Revenue. “That sadness stops them from buying. Our AI fixes this. It simply charges your card while you are asleep. You wake up to a package and a notification. It is seamless.”

The system analyzes your mood and your credit limit. It ignores the second one. “The system knows you better than you know yourself,” explained Sanjay O’Malley, Head of Consumer Impulse Strategy. “It knows you are stressed. It knows you have a credit card with space on it. It knows a third espresso machine is the answer. We call this ‘Optimized Joy.'”

Customers reported receiving items they did not know existed. One man received a kayak despite living in a studio apartment. O’Malley defended the purchase. “The AI projected that he might want to become an outdoorsy person. We are billing for the person you could be. That is true value.” The company noted that returns are not allowed. The AI has already decided you love it.

At press time, the AI applied for three new credit cards in your name to prepare for Cyber Monday.

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