[SATIRE]

LOS GATOS — Netflix bought Warner Bros on Tuesday for $72 billion. They celebrated by launching a new subscription tier. It is called the "Total Dominance" plan.

The new tier does not have a fixed price. Instead, it automatically takes 15% of your gross income. The company says this simplifies your life.

"We looked at the market," said Diego Vargas, VP of Revenue Capture. "We realized we are the market. There is no one else left. Since we provide all your entertainment, we should receive a fair chunk of your paycheck."

The deal gives Netflix rights to Harry Potter and Batman. Executives argue this justifies the cost. "You used to pay five different apps," explained Linda Chen, Director of Viewer Retention. "Now you pay one giant bill. We connect directly to your employer’s payroll system. It is seamless. You will not even miss the money until you need to buy food."

Users cannot easily opt out. The "Basic" plan now includes ads that play every four minutes. The ads cannot be skipped. They mostly show the CEO swimming in a pool of gold coins.

At press time, Netflix announced a surcharge for blinking during movies.

Inspired by Netflix’s $72B WB acquisition confounds the future of movie theaters, streaming.