[SATIRE]

COLUMBUS, Ohio — The Bean & Byte coffee shop is facing a major crisis. A proposed state law may force them to accept cash. The shop went “fully digital” four years ago to streamline operations. Now, they are scrambling to relearn how money works.

Management says the transition to physical currency will be difficult. They removed all cash drawers to make room for more succulents. The staff has never seen a dime in real life. “We optimized our workflow for tap-and-go,” said Kevin Wu, Founder and Chief Vibe Officer. “My team can troubleshoot a Bluetooth connection in ten seconds. But if you hand them a quarter? They freeze. We do not have a process for metal circles.”

To prepare, the shop hired a specialist. Sophia Petrov is a “Legacy Currency Consultant.” She charges $300 an hour to teach baristas how to count. She calls the training “Analog Value Exchange.”

“The learning curve is steep,” Petrov explained. “I have to teach them that the paper bill holds the value itself. You do not need to scan it. It works offline. This concept is very scary for them.” Petrov noted that one employee tried to swipe a five-dollar bill through the credit card reader. Another asked where the battery goes in a penny.

At press time, the shop announced a new policy. They will accept cash, but there is a $4.00 “Manual Handling Fee” to touch the dirty paper.

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