[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Following the implementation of a new generative AI copilot at logistics firm Nexus Dynamics, Director of Strategic Alignment Marcus Thorne has requested an emergency budget review to define the “essential human nuance” required to forward emails to other departments. The internal audit revealed that the AI software had successfully replicated 94% of Thorne’s daily output by automatically appending the text “Adding visibility here” to incoming messages.

The crisis began when the company’s new enterprise software, intended to assist with data entry, inadvertently began answering questions directly, bypassing the traditional three-day waiting period Thorne had established for “stakeholder review.”

“There is a dangerous misconception that efficiency is the goal,” said Thorne, who has scheduled four meetings to discuss the software’s speed. “While the AI can certainly route the document to legal, it lacks the emotional intelligence to let it sit in an inbox for 72 hours to establish dominance. That serves a critical business function we call ‘executive pacing.’ Without a human layer to add friction to these processes, we risk getting things done before we’ve had a chance to circle back on them.”

Nexus Dynamics leadership acknowledged the disruption but emphasized their commitment to retaining talent. “We are looking at this as an opportunity to elevate our staff to higher-value tasks,” explained Jennifer Morrison, Vice President of Human Capital. “We have instructed Marcus to stop forwarding emails and instead focus on ‘holistic workflow architecture.’ We aren’t entirely sure what that means, but it requires him to create a PowerPoint deck about the AI that is doing his previous job, which should keep him occupied until Q4.”

Morrison noted that while the AI had reduced project turnaround times by 600%, the company had seen a sharp decline in the number of calendar invites titled “Quick Sync to Touch Base.”

At press time, Thorne had successfully secured a new mandate requiring all AI-generated reports to be printed, manually initialed, and scanned back into the system to ensure “quality control.”

Inspired by actual events.