[SATIRE]

REDMOND — Microsoft announced a new feature for Teams this week. The software now tracks “social slights” in the office. It assigns a dollar value to them. Then it bills the manager’s budget.

The company says this solves a hidden cost. Studies show that small snubs destroy productivity. Microsoft decided to monetize this.

The system flags common rude behaviors. Leaving a coworker off a calendar invite triggers a $400 charge. This covers the cost of that employee complaining to their spouse later. “We put a price tag on pettiness,” said Linda Gupta, VP of Team Harmony. “When you ignore Bob in the hallway, Bob stops working for an hour. He just stares at the wall. We now bill that lost time directly to your cost center.”

The update also uses cameras to track body language. It detects interruptions during meetings. It listens for heavy sighs. “We found that one passive-aggressive email creates four hours of gossip,” explained Dmitri O’Malley, Director of Social Strategy. “That is expensive. Now, if you send a snarky reply, your department pays a ‘Mean Tax.’ It forces managers to be nice to protect their bonus.”

Managers can purchase a “Pre-Paid Snub Bundle.” This allows them to ignore three people per month without a penalty.

At press time, Microsoft launched a Premium tier. For $50 a month, the AI will automatically laugh at your boss’s bad jokes.

Inspired by How Minor Workplace Slights Cost Employers in Big Ways.