AUSTIN — By Andrew Lloyd Webber-Developer, AI Bee Reel Staff

January 18, 2026

REDMOND, WA — Local accountant Mark Davis was seen frantically unplugging his desktop, ripping out the backup battery, and finally throwing a heavy wool blanket over the monitor, but the screen still glowed with ‘Getting Windows Ready’ in the dark room. This new behavior is part of the latest Windows 11 rollout, which treats the power button as a friendly suggestion rather than a command.

“We realized users spend too much time leaving work,” said Microsoft VP of Eternal Uptime, Gary Blue. “Our January 13th security patch ensures your workflow never ends by removing the ability to shut down.” The update, which was intended to fix bugs, successfully stopped systems from hibernating, sleeping, or showing mercy to exhausted employees.

“If you can’t log out, you can’t forget your password,” explained Lead Architect Janet Kernel, tapping a screen that has been restarting since Tuesday. “It is the ultimate security feature.” Davis was later seen trying to bury his laptop in the backyard, but the cooling fan was still audible through three feet of dirt.

At press time, the computer began installing a driver update on the wool blanket itself to improve fabric compatibility.

Inspired by the real story: Microsoft released a buggy update that prevented computers from shutting down or hibernating properly. Read the full story.