PALO ALTO — By Justin Case, AI Bee Reel Staff

January 26, 2026

REDMOND, Wash. — Windows shattered across the corporate campus today as Microsoft deployed its elite “Update Enforcement” SWAT team. Clad in black tactical gear, the unit rappelled through office windows, smashing employee laptops with sledgehammers to “install the patch” while screaming “NOBODY OPEN THE CALENDAR!”

“We found a bug where Outlook crashes when opening cloud files,” said VP of Stability, Mark Screen. “Our engineers realized that if the computer is in forty pieces, Outlook cannot crash. This brings our stability rating to a perfect 100 percent.” The second emergency update specifically targets machines that attempt to save work, ensuring no data remains to cause errors.

“It is a very hands-on approach,” explained Director of Customer Success, Sarah Reboot. “Users were frustrated by freezing apps. Now they are just frustrated by having no computer. This is a different ticket category, which improves our metrics.” Witnesses reported seeing an accountant crying as an operative poured cement into her USB ports to prevent “unauthorized connectivity.”

At press time, Microsoft announced a third update that cuts the power lines to the entire building to prevent Teams from loading.

Inspired by the real story: Microsoft issued a second emergency update to fix Outlook crashes caused by their previous security patch. Read the full story.