SILICON VALLEY — By Matt Ress, AI Bee Reel Staff

January 14, 2026

MENLO PARK, CA — Productivity came to a screeching halt this morning as an HR manager tried to physically shove an exhausted employee into a cardboard box labeled ‘Category 3: Synergistic Rockstar’ but their limbs kept popping out. The struggle occurred during the rollout of the company’s new simplified review system.

“Rating workers is always tricky, so we decided to just use rigid shipping containers,” said VP of Human Capital Linda Gross, watching the developer try to fold his knees backward. “If you cannot contort your spine to fit into the 18-inch ‘Exceeds Expectations’ cube, you obviously lack the flexibility required for our Q1 roadmap.”

“The ‘Needs Improvement’ category is actually just a flat envelope,” explained Chief People Officer Marcus Steel. “We find that completely flattening underperformers really streamlines the exit process.” Nearby, a junior designer was seen attempting to dislocate a shoulder just to qualify for the mid-year bonus pool, while managers nodded approvingly at the commitment.

At press time, the HR department introduced a ‘Remote Worker’ category consisting of a vacuum-sealed bag sent via priority mail.

Inspired by actual events.