“To ensure you can generate high-fidelity images of cats in space wearing tuxedos, we have successfully diverted the energy output of a small star,” said a spokesperson, giving a confident thumbs-up while holding a Geiger counter that was screaming like a banshee. “Sure, the cafeteria is now a glowing exclusion zone, but the latency on your aunt’s questionable political memes has never been lower.”

The tech giant signed agreements with Oklo, TerraPower, and Vistra for over 6 gigawatts of power, enough to light up Las Vegas or, alternatively, one data center trying to figure out if a picture contains a muffin or a chihuahua. The deal requires installing reactors directly inside the open-plan office, forcing interns to don 50-pound lead vests just to grab an espresso from the breakroom without glowing in the dark.

Residents near the facility reported their toasters exploding in sympathy as the servers drew enough current to melt the rubber soles off a technician’s sneakers. Witnesses described seeing employees in hazmat suits frantically welding oversized power cords to pulsating green fuel rods, all while the building’s pristine white walls slowly dripped into a radioactive puddle.

At press time, the company was asking local neighborhoods to unplug their refrigerators so they could allocate an extra 1.21 gigawatts to render a single 3D avatar of a sandwich.

Inspired by TechCrunch.