[SATIRE]

MENLO PARK — Meta launched a new central support hub on Tuesday. It includes a new AI assistant. The company says this solves a major problem. Users were waiting too long to be ignored.

The new system automates the rejection process. “We wanted to respect people’s time,” said Sanjay Washington, VP of User Retention. “In the past, you waited weeks for no answer. Now, our AI can reject your request in seconds. That is the speed of innovation.” Washington noted that the backlog of unread tickets was too high. The AI can now close them all instantly.

The system was trained on millions of dead-end emails. It learned how to loop you in circles forever. “The accuracy is amazing,” noted Linda Kowalski, Head of Automated Empathy. “If you say you were hacked, it sends a link. If that link is broken, it sends the same link again. It really feels like talking to our old team.” Kowalski added that the AI never sleeps. It can not help you 24 hours a day.

At press time, Meta announced a Premium tier. For $20, the AI will use a sad emoji when it deletes your ticket.

Inspired by Meta centralizes Facebook and Instagram support, tests AI support assistant.