“To ensure our AI can adequately summarize your aunt’s birthday post, we require the energy output of a small sun and three designated exclusion zones,” said Marcus Thorne, Chief Thermodynamics Officer. “This allows us to deliver hyper-personalized content at the speed of light, provided our cooling rods don’t melt through the linoleum floor.”

While competitors sign remote power purchase agreements with providers like Oklo and TerraPower, Meta brought the uranium directly to the open-plan office. The strategy eliminates transmission loss but requires the HR department to issue standard-grade Geiger counters alongside laptop chargers during onboarding.

Sarah Jenkins, a junior developer sitting near the reactor core, reported hair loss after reheating her lasagna. “I just wanted a warm lunch, but the microwave runs off a spent fuel rod now,” said Jenkins, adjusting her lead apron. “My burrito was ready in three seconds, but it glows green in the dark.”

At press time, Meta announced a mandatory return-to-office policy for all employees who possess a valid hazmat certification and iodine tablets.

Inspired by Meta signs deals with three nuclear companies for 6-plus GW of power.