[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — A manager at LinkedIn is deeply concerned that his new hire might be working a second job. The manager, Tarik Kowalski, reached this conclusion after noticing the employee finishes his work by 3 PM every day.

Kowalski says this efficiency is suspicious. To catch the employee, Kowalski has stopped doing his own work. instead, he spends six hours a day refreshing the employee’s profile page. “He hits all his goals,” said Kowalski, VP of Team Synergy. “That leaves two hours of potential work I am not getting. I paid for his stress. If he is not stressed, he must be working for Google.”

The investigation has taken over the department. Yesterday, Kowalski missed three budget meetings because he was analyzing the employee’s mouse movements. “I saw his status go ‘idle’ for four minutes,” explained Mei Wu, Director of Human Capital. “He said he was in the bathroom. But can we be sure he was not in the bathroom for another company? We need total loyalty.”

Wu noted that loyal employees should be too tired to have a second job. “If you have energy left at 5 PM, we failed to manage you correctly,” she said. To fix this, the company is adding mandatory ‘Culture Sync’ meetings at 4:45 PM. The goal is to drain any remaining energy the staff might have.

At press time, Kowalski had to cut the interview short. He had a Zoom interview for a second job at Facebook.

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