[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — A local tech manager read a blog post about “leveling up” his leadership style. He took immediate action. His engineering team now enjoys three additional mandatory meetings every day.

The manager says the new schedule ensures he is always involved. “The article said leaders must be present,” said Kevin Patel, Director of Strategic Alignment. “So I am present. At 9 AM. At 1 PM. And at 4:30 PM. That is 300% more leadership than last week. The math speaks for itself.”

The meetings have no specific topic. Patel calls them “organic syncs.” He uses the time to ask everyone what they are working on. The team reports that they are working on nothing, because they are in meetings.

Corporate leadership views the drop in output as a success. “Actual work often distracts from collaboration,” explained Sophia Mwangi, Head of Organizational Excellence. “When employees are typing code, they are not looking at Kevin. By stopping the work, we ensure they are fully focused on the leader. That is pure synergy.”

Mwangi noted that the company is now paying for “maximum alignment.” She admitted that no products are shipping. However, everyone knows exactly why they are not shipping them.

At press time, Patel sent a calendar invite for a “pre-sync alignment.” It starts at 8:30 AM to prepare for the 9 AM meeting.

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