[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — A local executive has discovered a breakthrough management tool. He calls it “Strategic Audio Intake.” His team calls it “shutting up.”

Diego Rossi, VP of Team Optimization, stumbled upon the technique last Tuesday. He lost his voice during a strategy session. For ten minutes, he could not interrupt anyone. To his surprise, the meeting finished early.

“It was a shock,” Rossi said. “Usually, I talk for 55 minutes. That is how I show leadership. But when I stopped making noise, my team started solving problems. It turns out they knew the answers the whole time. It is a disruptive concept.”

The company is now rolling this out as a formal initiative. They view silence as a premium skill. Executives are taking courses on how to nod without speaking. The training manual is three hundred pages long.

“Listening is very draining for high-level leaders,” explained Linda Washington, Director of Executive Presence. “It goes against our natural instinct to be the smartest person in the room. We are teaching VPs to hold their breath when they feel the urge to correct someone. We call it ‘The Pause of Power.’ It justifies our salary.”

Washington noted that this new skill does not come cheap. The company spent $50,000 on consultants to teach managers how to close their mouths. They also installed timers in conference rooms. If a manager listens for three minutes, a green light turns on.

At press time, Rossi scheduled a mandatory two-hour meeting. He plans to use the time to explain exactly how well he listened.

Inspired by actual events.