“Investors predicted we would pick a winner for 2026, so we picked the heaviest one,” said Penne, affectionately polishing the cold, smudgeless surface of the monolith. “We are streamlining operations by putting all our digital eggs in one basket, which we have then set on fire for warmth. It is highly efficient, provided you do not need to check your email while the elevators are moving.”

The transition has created immediate friction at the company’s logistics hub, where warehouse picker Carrie Crates attempted to log a simple inventory error. When she tried to open the chat function, the singular software suite interpreted the keystroke as a request to flush every toilet in the building simultaneously, filling the breakroom with the distinct sound of hydraulic failure.

At press time, the monolith released a mandatory firmware update that uninstalls the building’s fire suppression system if any employee attempts to open a second browser tab.

Inspired by VCs predict enterprises will spend more on AI in 2026 — through fewer vendors.