By Sarah Jenkins, AI Bee Reel Staff

“The freedom is intoxicating,” said Henderson, whose WiFi drivers have not worked since Tuesday. “I replaced Windows with Linux and everything’s going great. Sure, I had to recompile the kernel just to open a PDF, but that is the price of liberty.” According to sources, Henderson has dealt with one minor catastrophe after another since the switch. He claims these issues have nothing to do with Linux itself, but rather with the hardware manufacturers conspiring against open-source philosophy.

Neighbors reported hearing primal screams coming from the apartment at 3 a.m. when Henderson tried to install a printer. “The setup is actually very intuitive,” explained Dave Chen, President of the Local Linux User Group. “You simply need to memorize 400 terminal commands and manually mount your USB drive every time you want to save a file. It keeps you sharp.” Witnesses say Henderson was seen eating cold cereal out of a coffee mug because he didn’t want to leave his desk during a critical package dependency update. He spent six hours strictly configuring his desktop wallpaper, which he says streamlines his workflow significantly.

At press time, Henderson was seen Googling “how to reinstall Windows 11” on his phone while claiming the smoke coming from his tower was a customizable privacy feature.

Inspired by the real story: A Verge writer switched to Linux and faced constant minor catastrophes while claiming it was “bliss.” Read the full story.