"Our new AI Health Assistant provides instant care without the wait," said Dr. Arin Patel, VP of Digital Wellness at OpenAI, adjusting the laptop’s coat collar. "Sure, 'Bonus Eruptus' is technically a fake disease from The Simpsons, but the AI found it on the internet, so it must be relevant to Gary's sore throat." While some experts worry about privacy, Patel noted that the real innovation is speed. "We processed his entire symptom list and matched it to a meme in under three seconds. A human doctor would have wasted time checking his actual throat."

The situation escalated when the laptop attempted to check Miller's reflexes by ejecting a CD tray repeatedly against his knee. "The AI is learning from user feedback," explained Chief Medical Officer Linda Wu. "It suggests treatments based on popularity, not science. Currently, it recommends Gary eat 40 pounds of raw garlic because a forum user named 'HealthWizard99' said it cures everything." Miller was last seen trying to explain to the device that he just needed a sick note, while the screen flashed a prescription for "good vibes only."

At press time, the laptop was promoted to Head of Surgery after successfully diagnosing a nurse with "bad energy" and prescribing a weekend in Tulum.

Inspired by the real story: While ChatGPT is pushing into personalized health advice, medical experts warn that its accuracy is spotty even if privacy risks are low. Read the full story.