[SATIRE]

WASHINGTON — A leaked draft of a new executive order appeared this week. It outlines a massive “Manhattan Project” for military AI. But the fine print does something else. It officially reclassifies the United States government as a “junior partner” to the tech industry.

The order removes “regulatory friction.” This includes safety tests, environmental rules, and the need for Congress to pass laws. “We looked at the org chart,” said David Miller, Undersecretary of Digital Submission. “It made no sense for the government to be in charge. We have debt. They have GPUs. This order just formalizes the reality that we work for them now.”

Under the new rules, the Pentagon becomes a “customer of first resort.” This means the military must buy whatever AI companies build, even if it does not work. “This is about efficiency,” explained Jessica Wu, VP of Regulatory Capture at a major cloud provider. “Instead of lobbying for laws, we will now just write them directly. It saves everyone time. We call it ‘Direct-to-Consumer Democracy.'”

The order also creates a new “AI Safety Board.” It will be staffed entirely by the CEOs of the companies being regulated. “Who knows safety better than the people building the danger?” asked Wu. “If we accidentally delete the economy, we promise to file a ticket.”

At press time, the White House announced plans to replace the Secret Service with a chatbot to save on payroll.

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