[SATIRE]

WISCONSIN — Kohler responded to security concerns on Wednesday regarding its smart toilets. An engineer discovered the cameras inside the bowl do not lock down video data. Kohler says this is not a bug. It is a feature.

The company claims the camera footage is vital for “biological optimization.” The $11,500 Numi 2.0 toilet films users to check their health. “We do not see a bathroom break,” said Linda Mwangi, VP of Biological Insights. “We see a data point. Users cannot improve what they do not measure. The camera ensures you are sitting with optimal posture. If you slouch, the bidet function is disabled.”

Security experts worry that hackers could watch the live feed. Kohler argues that transparency is the future of the smart home. They noted that encryption slows down the upload speed. “True privacy is lonely,” explained Robert O’Malley, Head of Connected Intimacy. “Our users are never alone. We are with them during their most vulnerable moments. We share that data with select partners to serve you better ads for fiber supplements.”

The company admitted that the “Privacy Shield” feature is only available on the Enterprise tier. This costs an extra $49 per month. Without it, the toilet may use your usage times to update your Google Calendar status to “Busy.”

At press time, Kohler announced a social integration. The toilet will now auto-post your duration and weight to LinkedIn to celebrate your “daily wins.”

Inspired by Engineer proves that Kohler’s smart toilet cameras aren’t very private.