[SATIRE]

NEW YORK — JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon shared a new leadership tip this week. He says true power comes from self-awareness. But his definition is unique. He claims he has not looked at his own bank balance since 1998.

Dimon argues that knowing how much money you have creates unnecessary stress. He calls this “financial anxiety.” His solution is to simply assume the money is there. “True leaders do not worry about overdraft fees,” explained Linda Mwangi, VP of Executive Wellness. “Jamie walks into a store. He buys what he wants. He does not check an app first. That is the level of confidence we should all aspire to.”

The bank is now rolling this philosophy out to customers. A new app update hides your balance by default. It replaces the numbers with a calming blue cloud. “We want to protect our users from reality,” said Kevin Rossi, Director of Customer Philosophy. “When you see a low number, you feel sad. When you see a cloud, you feel peace. We are charging $12 a month for this peace.” Rossi noted that the bank will still charge overdraft fees. However, the app will not tell you about them until the end of the year. They call this feature “Retroactive Surprise.”

At press time, the bank announced a $15 fee for “emotional labor” every time you force the app to show your actual money.

Inspired by What the CEOs of Nasdaq, JPMorgan, and Netflix Teach Us About Leadership.