[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Global Logistics Corp locked down its network Monday. The goal was to stop “Shadow AI.” This is when staff use secret tools to do their jobs. The company blocked ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini.

The ban was a total success. It also caused operations to grind to a halt immediately.

“We secured the perimeter,” said Sanjay Rossi, VP of Digital Compliance. “No unauthorized data leaves our building now. We are 100 percent secure. Unfortunately, we are also zero percent productive.” Rossi admitted the team did not realize how the work was actually getting done. They assumed employees were writing reports. In reality, everyone was asking a chatbot to write them.

An internal audit revealed the truth. The entire marketing department relies on one summer intern. “We traced our output to a 22-year-old named Kevin,” explained Linda Mwangi, Director of Workflow Speed. “He pastes our messy data into a free chat box. Then he asks it to ‘make this look professional.’ If we stop him, we miss our quarterly targets.”

The company has spent millions on an “official” enterprise AI tool. Employees say it does not work. “The official tool takes ten minutes to load,” Mwangi noted. “Then it tells you it cannot help with that request. Kevin’s free account runs the whole supply chain.” Mwangi added that Kevin is technically a security risk. However, he is also the only reason the CEO has a speech for tomorrow.

At press time, IT announced a new policy. AI is strictly forbidden for all employees. The only exception is Kevin, who has been given a private Wi-Fi network.

Inspired by actual events.