[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — Horizon Ventures announced a huge investment today. They gave $50 million to Kevin Vargas. Vargas is famous for his last three startups. They all ended in actual fires. The firm calls this “grit.”

Vargas is the founder of AshCloud. His previous ventures lost all customer money. They also required the fire department to intervene. Investors say this experience is rare. “We bet on the jockey, not the horse,” said Walter O’Malley, Senior Partner at Horizon. “Kevin has a track record. He builds things fast. Then they explode. That shows high energy. Most founders are too afraid to light the match.”

The pitch meeting took place in a charred warehouse. Vargas did not present a business plan. He simply held up a gas can and smiled. The partners were impressed by his confidence. “He failed three times,” explained Sophia Wu, VP of Risk Tolerance. “That means he is due for a win. Or a larger fire. Either way, the tax write-off will be spectacular.” Wu noted that Vargas has “unique insights” into crisis management. This is because he creates the crisis.

At press time, the firm rejected a profitable software company. They said the female founder had no experience with bankruptcy.

Inspired by actual events.