[SATIRE]

NEW YORK — Beverage startup Recess raised $30 million this week. The company makes sparkling water with magnesium. Investors are betting that burnout is now a permanent market sector.

The pitch is simple. Modern life is too much. A can of water might help. “We do not view this as a drink,” said Sophia Mwangi, VP of Mood Strategy. “We view it as a software patch for the human nervous system. The user is glitching. Our product forces a hard reboot.” Mwangi noted that the drink costs $5 per can. She called this “cheaper than therapy and faster than fixing the actual problem.”

Venture capitalists flocked to the deal. They see rising stress levels as a massive opportunity. “We looked at the data,” explained Kevin Rossi, a senior partner at the firm. “Rent is up. Wages are flat. The news is terrifying. These are strong indicators for the sedative beverage category.” Rossi admitted the business model has one risk. If the world suddenly improves, sales could tank. “Fortunately, our analysts see zero chance of that happening,” he added.

The company plans to use the cash to expand distribution. They want to be in every office fridge by next year. “We want to be there the moment the Zoom call ends,” Mwangi said. “That specific feeling of dread? That is our target demographic.”

At press time, Recess announced a new flavor called “Dissociation.” It tastes like blackberries and silence.

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