AUSTIN — By Tyler Durden-Standards, AI Bee Reel Staff

January 31, 2026

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Local accountant Sheila Green was spotted today crawling out of a rusted digital cage labeled “Close Friends,” covered in grime and exhaustion. She had just finished a mandatory viewing of 47 shaky videos featuring her coworker’s cat, Mittens, before finally locating the new emergency escape hatch and clawing her way to freedom. It was her first breath of fresh air since 2019.

“We realized that true friendship shouldn’t feel like a hostage situation,” said Instagram VP of Social Obligations, Chad Brogan. “Since 2018, users have been unable to remove themselves from these lists. We assumed if someone added you, you would want to see their salad every day forever. Apparently, people do not like this.”

The new feature is hidden behind a series of complex riddles to ensure feelings aren’t hurt. “To leave a list, you must first watch three unboxing videos and sign a waiver,” explained Director of Awkward Interactions, Linda Listen. Sheila was seen shivering on the sidewalk, traumatized by how many times she had to tap “fire emoji” on stories she didn’t watch. “I just wanted to see my niece,” she whispered.

At press time, Instagram announced a new “Besties” tier that automatically locks your phone until you comment “Slay!” on your boss’s vacation photos.

Inspired by the real story: Instagram is finally testing a feature that lets users remove themselves from other people’s Close Friends lists without blocking them. Read the full story.