[SATIRE]

MENLO PARK — Meta engineers worked late into the night on Tuesday. They were fixing a major system error. For nearly two hours, Instagram users accidentally saw posts from people they follow.

The glitch caused panic at headquarters. Instead of viral videos of strangers cutting soap, users saw photos of their cousins. Some even saw updates from close friends. The company called this a “catastrophic failure” of the discovery engine.

“We caught it just in time,” said Mateo Wu, VP of Engagement Velocity. “For a moment, the feed was 40% people the user actually knew. That is way above our safety threshold of zero. We want to apologize to anyone who was forced to see their niece’s birthday party.”

The company says the algorithm is supposed to protect users from their social circle. The goal is “pure discovery.” This means showing you videos you did not ask for, from people you do not know.

“If you know the person, you might stop scrolling,” explained Linda Vargas, Head of Distraction Strategy. “You might send a text. You might put the phone down. That is a leak in our funnel. We need you to watch a stranger in Ohio clean a rug for six minutes. That is how we measure success.”

Vargas noted that seeing friends is a “legacy feature.” It is something users did in 2014. The modern app is designed to save you from that burden.

At press time, Instagram announced a new safety feature. If you try to search for a specific friend, the app will automatically redirect you to a Temu ad.

Inspired by Instagram Just Made a Big Change to Its Reels Algorithm.