[SATIRE]

SAN LUIS OBISPO — iFixit launched a new AI chatbot this week. It promises to help users repair their own electronics. Early users say the bot is very helpful, provided you own tools that defy the laws of physics.

The system, called FixBot, confidently guides users through repairs. The problem is the instructions often require items that are not real. One user was told to use a “4mm reverse-gravity prying wand.” Another was told to unscrew a battery that was glued down.

“The AI is not wrong, it is just aspirational,” said Linda Wu, VP of Repair Innovation at iFixit. “Traditional manuals limit you to tools you can actually buy at a store. Our AI imagines a world where you have a laser-guided hammer. We believe this broadens the customer’s imagination. It turns a simple battery swap into a creative writing exercise.”

The bot also invents safety steps. It recently told a user to “ground the wifi signal” before opening a laptop. “Safety is a feeling, not a fact,” explained Robert Jensen, Head of Intelligent Automation. “If the user feels safer wrapping their router in foil because the AI said so, we have done our job. The fact that it does nothing is a technicality. We measure success by confidence, not results.”

At press time, iFixit opened a new store section. It sells an empty box labeled “Invisible Flux Capacitor” for $49.99 so users can follow the AI’s instructions.

Inspired by I couldn’t fix it with iFixit’s AI FixBot.