[SATIRE]

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — The Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) issued a startling correction on Tuesday. The group claims the term "Work-Life Balance" was a typo in their 1990 handbook. The correct term was always supposed to be "Work-Life Blend."

The organization says this explains years of confusion. Employees thought they were supposed to stop working at 5 PM. Companies always intended for work to continue forever.

"Balance implies two separate things," said Kevin Wu, VP of Human Capital Flow. "It implies there is a time for work and a time for life. That was never the goal. The goal is a seamless blend. You answer emails during dinner. You take calls at the gym. Work flows into every crack of your existence like water."

The updated guidance clarifies how the "Blend" works. It is a one-way street. Work can enter your home life at any time. However, home life cannot enter work. You cannot do laundry in the conference room. You cannot nap during the quarterly review.

"This is about flexibility," explained Linda Vargas, Director of Total Rewards. "The Blend gives you the freedom to work from anywhere. You can work from your child’s recital. You can work from the dentist’s chair. Before the Blend, you had to just sit there and relax. Now, you can be productive."

Vargas noted that employees asked for this. Surveys showed workers felt anxious when not checking Slack. The Blend solves this by removing the option to stop checking.

At press time, SHRM announced that "Unlimited Vacation" was also a typo. It was meant to read "Unlimited Vacation Requests," which will all be denied.

Inspired by Work-Life Balance Isn’t Dead—It Was Never Real.