[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — OmniCorp released new workplace guidelines on Tuesday. The memo identifies several “bad habits” that hurt professionalism. Top of the list is having a personality.

The company now classifies showing emotion as a performance issue. The memo states that laughter, frowning, and distinctive hobbies are “distractions.” Management wants a neutral workplace. They believe this helps focus.

“We noticed some employees were too unique,” said Tarik Dubois, VP of Cultural Alignment. “When you have a personality, you become unpredictable. Unpredictability scares shareholders. We want our team to be consistent. Ideally, we want them to be indistinguishable from the furniture, but more productive.”

The guidelines also ban talking about the weekend. The company says personal lives are “inefficient.” Data shows that asking about a coworker’s cat wastes four minutes per week. Over a year, that is three hours of lost profit.

“Professionalism means suppressing your human side,” explained Chloe Patel, Director of Human Capital Optimization. “If you are talking about your hike, you are not talking about Q3 revenue. We pay for your brain, not your soul. Please leave your soul in your car. It clutters the open floor plan.”

Patel noted that the best employees are the ones you forget are there. “If I know your name or your favorite color, you have failed,” she added. “A truly professional employee is a ghost who generates spreadsheets.”

At press time, HR announced a new policy. Blinking is now considered “time theft” because your eyes are closed on the job.

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