NEW YORK — Fortune 500 companies have launched a new program for employees losing jobs to automation. Instead of traditional severance packages, firms are offering mandatory workshops based on the Kubler-Ross grief model. The goal is to guide fired staff to “Acceptance” within one hour.

The initiative addresses the emotional toll of AI adoption. Managers reported that crying employees were slowing down productivity. “We found that staff spent way too much time in the Anger phase,” said David Miller, Vice President of Severance Optimization. “Our new seminar rushes them straight through Bargaining. It is much cleaner for the payroll department.”

The workshops require displaced workers to sit in a circle with the software that replaced them. Participants must practice positive affirmations like “This algorithm is faster than me” and “I am happy for the shareholders.” If a participant lingers in the Depression stage, their parking validation is revoked. “We treat grief like a project timeline,” explained Elena Ross, Director of Human Displacement. “We need everyone to hit the Acceptance milestone before security deactivates their badges.”

At press time, the entire HR department was let go by a chatbot that skipped the grief model and simply locked the building doors.

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