“This isn’t surveillance; it’s ‘spatial productivity awareness,’” stated HP Director of Peripherals, Canon Zoom. “We are utilizing the system’s robust 8GB of VRAM to give the camera full autonomy. It simply audits your physical desktop for non-compliant snack items and gently obstructs your view of the monitor until you return to the spreadsheet. It is a feature, not a violation.”

Sandra Pixel, a medical billing specialist working from her kitchen island, triggered the system while reaching for a glazed donut. “I heard a low hydraulic hiss, and suddenly the webcam was hovering three inches from my plate,” Pixel said, wiping sweat from her brow. “It tracked the sprinkles with a red laser grid and flashed a blinding ‘JUDGMENT MODE’ strobe light until I put the pastry back in the box.”

At press time, the webcam received an over-the-air update enabling it to physically slap users’ hands if they reach for their phones and automatically email screenshots of their messy cables to the CEO.

Inspired by The HP OmniStudio X’s webcam can watch your work desk.