[SATIRE]

PALO ALTO — Design brand Hoto unveiled its new flagship screwdriver today. The device is a smooth grey cylinder. It has no buttons. It has no grip. It looks exactly like a portable phone charger.

The company says this is the future of home repair. They claim old tools were “too aggressive” because they looked like they did work. “We wanted to remove the stigma of manual labor,” said Mei Rossi, VP of Aesthetic Integrity. “A traditional yellow screwdriver screams ‘I have a leak.’ Our device whispers ‘I appreciate industrial design.’ It sits on your desk. It does not belong in a dirty toolbox.”

Early testers report some issues. The aluminum body is perfectly smooth. This makes it impossible to hold if your hands are even slightly sweaty. There is also no way to tell which end is the front. “We removed the visual clutter of a handle,” explained Tarik Jensen, Head of Object Experience. “Grip is a legacy concept. If the tool slips from your hand, that is a user error. The silhouette remains pure.”

The tool charges via USB-C. However, it does not work while charging. It also requires a firmware update before you can change the bit. One user reported that his screwdriver bricked itself after he tried to fix a toilet. Support told him the device is not water-resistant and voided his warranty.

At press time, Hoto announced a new hammer made entirely of glass. It shatters if it touches a nail, but it catches the light perfectly.

Inspired by actual events.