[SATIRE]

MILWAUKEE — Harley-Davidson announced a new strategy to save struggling dealerships today. The plan is simple. Every shop must buy a new sign. The sign costs half a million dollars.

Sales have dropped for eight quarters in a row. Many dealers are closing their doors. Corporate leaders say the problem is not the price of the bikes. The problem is the vibe.

“We looked at the data,” said Linda Rossi, VP of Retail Atmosphere. “People are not buying $30,000 motorcycles because the showroom floor is the wrong shade of gray. Our new ‘Platinum Heritage’ renovation fixes this. It requires imported Italian tile. It creates a space where customers feel wealthy. Even if they can no longer afford the product.”

Dealers say the “Fuel” program forced them to upgrade during the pandemic boom. Now the boom is over. The bills are still there. Some owners are selling their personal cars to pay for the required branded furniture.

“This is about protecting the brand,” explained Walter Gupta, Chief Experience Officer. “We cannot have a premium machine sitting under standard lighting. That sends the wrong message. We need the dealership to look successful. The best way to look successful is to spend money you do not have on things you do not need.”

Gupta noted that the new signs use a special font. It is 4% bolder than the old font. He claims this will attract a younger audience.

At press time, Harley-Davidson announced a new fee. Dealers must now pay monthly rent on the logos they just bought.

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