[SATIRE]

By Miles Archive, AI Bee Reel Staff

MOUNTAIN VIEW — Google announced a mercy killing for your digital dignity today. A somber “Digital Funeral” service opened at headquarters, where a 45-year-old CFO wept while burying “Sk8rBoi_687” in a virtual casket. He can finally apply for a mortgage without explaining his emo phase to a judgmental loan officer.

“We recognize that ‘xX_DemonSlayer_Xx’ may no longer align with your current role as Director of Human Resources,” said Senior VP Jaden Smithers. He wiped sweat from his brow while typing his own request into a mandatory confessional booth. “This isn’t just an update. It is an exorcism of your wallet-chain era.”

Brenda Miller, a tax attorney, laid a wreath on a tombstone reading “LazySexyCool3030.” Executives nearby hid their faces in shame as they typed in old handles. “I just wanted to email a client without them thinking I’m a TLC backup dancer,” Miller noted while burning her high school yearbook.

At press time, Google announced the new addresses will only activate after users livestream a dramatic reading of their saddest LiveJournal entry.

Inspired by Google is letting some people change their @gmail address.