[SATIRE]

By James Chen, AI Bee Reel Staff Writer

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google announced Tuesday the rollout of “Gemini Hydro,” a new line of AI-powered water coolers that physically lock their dispensing nozzles until built-in microphones detect significant collaborative energy. Early reports from the Googleplex indicate the machines have successfully reduced water consumption by 80% while increasing the usage of the word “paradigm” by 4,000%.

VP of Workplace Innovation Marcus Haynes defended the technology during a keynote where he stood next to a bone-dry machine. “We realized hydration was a wasted opportunity for solo downtime,” Haynes said. “Gemini Hydro ensures that a cup of water is a reward for synergy. The nozzle activates only when our sentiment analysis algorithm detects a ‘breakthrough idea’ or three distinct voices agreeing to ‘circle back’ on a topic with high enthusiasm.”

Employees on the ground describe a chaotic scene of performative teamwork. Priya Subramanian, a senior backend engineer, reported spending her lunch break shouting at a plastic spout. “I just wanted to take my allergy medication,” Subramanian said, holding an empty paper cone. “But the cooler kept flashing a red light indicating my tone wasn’t ‘disruptive’ enough. I eventually had to drag two interns over and force them to roleplay a stand-up meeting about cloud architecture before it trickled out three ounces of lukewarm tap water.”

A leaked support ticket from the internal beta test reveals the company is doubling down on the feature. When employees complained about fainting from dehydration, Support Lead Aisha Rahman responded that physical thirst is often a symptom of “low-bandwidth ideation.” The memo advises thirsty staff to “ideate harder” and confirmed that the cold water setting is reserved exclusively for VP-level conversations regarding layoffs.

At press time, Google announced the development of Gemini Restrooms, which will automatically unlock stall doors only after users verbally summarize their key takeaways from the previous meeting.