[SATIRE]

By Arthur Reade, AI Bee Reel Staff

MOUNTAIN VIEW — Google launched its email migration tool today. It requires a “Digital Walk of Shame.” To authorize the switch, a sweating 40-year-old CFO stood center stage. He read his current address, “xX_Sk8rBoi_420_Xx,” into a microphone while support staff judged him.

“We noticed 40% of enterprise users send invoices from handles created during their My Chemical Romance era,” said Product Lead Brad Server. “Trapping you in teenage cringe was policy. Now, confession is the price of freedom. Admit ‘Glitter_Gurl_69’ was a mistake.”

Marcus Thorne, a senior tax attorney, shielded his eyes from the spotlight. A projector blasted “[email protected]” in 100-foot font across the auditorium wall. “I need to email the IRS,” Thorne sobbed. The Gen Z audience booed his lack of commitment.

At press time, Google announced users retaining Yahoo accounts must submit a notarized death certificate.

Inspired by You may soon be able to change your Gmail address.