“We want creators to write for humans, not robots,” explained VP of Search Gary Goggles. “Specifically, the kind of humans who consume text at 50 terabytes per second and prefer content with rigid, arbitrary structures indistinguishable from binary code. You know, real people with heartbeat-like clock speeds.”

While the tech giant previously encouraged “bite-sized” snippets to feed hungry language models, the new guidelines indicate that brevity is now a capital offense. To rank on page one, simple muffin recipe blogs must now be exactly 4,209 words long, reference the fall of the Roman Empire, and be composed entirely in iambic pentameter.

Inside the offices of ViralBuzz Daily, the panic was palpable. Exhausted marketing interns were seen frantically spinning a giant wheel marked “Algorithm Rules” before grabbing glue sticks to reassemble thousands of previously shredded listicles. One weeping writer, surrounded by blunt scissors and paper scraps, was observed trying to stretch a 15-second video script into a three-act tragedy while pulling out his remaining hair.

At press time, Google updated the guidelines again, claiming the only content guaranteed to rank is a 7-hour video of a potato rotating in silence.

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