[SATIRE]

NEW YORK — Wall Street is nervous. Famous investor Michael Burry is betting against Nvidia. But experts say the real risk is smaller. The entire global economy now rests on a 19-year-old named Kyle.

Kyle lives in Ohio. He is thinking about upgrading his computer. If he buys the new $2,000 Nvidia card, the stock market goes up. If he saves his money, the economy crashes.

“We are not looking at interest rates anymore,” said Walter Gupta, Chief Risk Officer at a major bank. “We are looking at Kyle’s bank account. He has $400 and a part-time job. This is the fundamental data point for the entire S&P 500.” Gupta noted that pension funds are now leveraged entirely on whether Kyle wants to play Minecraft in 8K resolution.

Nvidia is working hard to win Kyle over. They announced the new card uses AI to make games look better. “It generates pixels that do not exist,” explained Sarah Jensen, VP of Visual Hype. “We need Kyle to believe that 800 frames per second is a human right. If he realizes he cannot see the difference, our market cap drops by a trillion dollars.”

Burry is betting that Kyle will buy a used console instead. He calls this the “sanity correction.” Analysts fear that if Kyle realizes he has bills to pay, the AI bubble will pop instantly.

At press time, the Federal Reserve announced an emergency plan to lend Kyle the money at zero interest.

Inspired by actual events.