[SATIRE]

OLATHE, KS — Garmin rolled out a software update today for its high-end fitness watches. The new feature is called "Aggressive Mindfulness." If the watch thinks you are stressed, it vibrates your wrist until you calm down.

The company says gentle notifications did not work. Users ignored them. "We needed a stronger signal," said Linda Mwangi, VP of Human Optimization. "Now, the watch pulses violently every three seconds. It does not stop until your heart rate drops. It forces you to prioritize relaxation. You cannot ignore a watch that feels like a tiny jackhammer."

Early users report a problem. The vibration creates panic. This raises their heart rate. The watch then vibrates harder to fix the new stress. "It creates a feedback loop," explained Walter Cohen, Director of Stress Strategy. "The user gets anxious about the notification. The watch senses the anxiety. It increases the intensity. Eventually, the user enters a state of paralyzed shock. Our algorithm counts this as ‘deep rest.’"

Cohen noted that this trains users to fear their own emotions. He called it a breakthrough in bio-hacking. "If you are afraid to get stressed, you will stay calm," he said. "It is simple conditioning."

At press time, Garmin announced a "Peace Plan." For $20 a month, the watch will lie to you and say you are chill.

Inspired by actual events.