[SATIRE]

OLATHE, KS — Garmin announced a major software update this morning. The new feature is called “Total Awareness.” It vibrates your wrist every sixty seconds to remind you that your stress levels are high.

The company says this will help users manage their day. Early testers say it just causes panic attacks. “We noticed a problem with our old charts,” said Mei Washington, VP of Biometric Engagement. “When users were calm, the data was boring. The lines were flat. We needed to introduce some action.”

The update uses the watch’s motor to deliver a sharp buzz. This creates a physical “fight or flight” response. The watch then records this spike as a successful data point. “It is a self-sustaining ecosystem,” explained Lucas Patel, Head of Wellness Strategy. “The watch tells you that you are stressed. You see the alert and get scared. Your heart rate goes up. The watch validates its own prediction. It is remarkably accurate because it causes the event it predicts.”

Users cannot turn off the alerts without buying a Premium Recovery Plan. This plan unlocks a breathing app. You can use the app to calm down from the stress the watch caused you. “We create the problem,” said Patel. “Then we sell you the solution for $15 a month. That is just good business.”

At press time, Garmin announced a new smart pillow. It gently shakes you every hour to whisper that you are not sleeping enough.

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