[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — Hardware makers found a way to sell $4,000 laptops to corporate IT departments this week. They simply renamed them. The new “Enterprise Productivity” line is identical to their gaming models. The only difference is the price tag, which is higher.

The marketing focuses on “Spreadsheet Acceleration.” Companies claim the powerful graphics cards are necessary for office work. “We found that finance teams need raw power,” said Chloe Jensen, VP of Workplace Hardware. “Opening a CSV file takes milliseconds. With our RTX 4090 integration, it takes slightly fewer milliseconds. That efficiency adds up. We estimate it saves three seconds per year. That justifies the $4,500 cost.”

The laptops still feature aggressive rainbow lights. However, the marketing materials describe them differently. “Those are not gaming lights,” explained Walter Tanaka, Director of Synergy Systems. “That is the RGB Workflow Status Indicator. Red means urgent. Blue means calm. The flashing rainbow pattern means you are maximizing synergy. It is a vital business tool.”

Procurement managers are approving the orders in record numbers. They admit they do not understand the specs. “I saw the word ‘Accelerator’ on the invoice,” said Linda Mwangi, Head of Global Procurement. “Our CEO talks about acceleration in every meeting. I assumed this helps us get there faster. I did ask about the loud fan noise. The vendor told me it was the sound of data being processed.”

At press time, the company launched a mechanical keyboard. It is loud enough to be heard three desks away. They are selling it as an “Audio-Haptic Engagement Device” for $300.

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