“We call this ‘Radical Transparency,'” said Marcus Chen, VP of Neuro-Dating at CES. “Why guess what he is thinking when you can read a raw data stream?” Chen noted that while heart-monitoring wearables are standard, the industry is betting everyone will strap an EEG to their skulls within a decade to maximize personal optimization.

“The helmet weighs six pounds, but that is a small price for truth,” explained Sarah Kim, Director of Product. “It eliminates the mystery of dating entirely.” She noted that users can pay a monthly subscription to filter out thoughts about sports statistics, though this causes the device to overheat and emit a low whine. Most users simply learn to ignore the fan noise during intimate conversations.

At press time, Bradley was seen ordering dessert alone, his helmet loudly humming as he mentally fought a Creeper.

Inspired by the real story: Companies at CES are increasingly pushing brain-computer interfaces (BCIs) and EEG wearables as the next major consumer health trend. Read the full story.