[SATIRE]

AUSTIN — Tech firm Nebulon Systems promoted a junior clerk to Senior AI Architect on Tuesday. The promotion came after he finished a playlist of seven YouTube Shorts. The total watch time was three minutes.

The company cites new research on how the brain learns. They claim seven sessions of anything creates an expert. “We are just following the science,” said Linda Mwangi, VP of Talent Acceleration. “The study says seven sessions is the magic number. It does not say the sessions have to be long. A four-year degree is one way. Seven clips of a guy pointing at text while dancing is another. The brain does not know the difference.”

The employee, Kevin, was previously in charge of ordering lunch. He is now responsible for the entire cloud system. He admits he skipped the ads. “I learned Python, C++, and how to manage a team,” Kevin said. “I think the last video was actually a cat falling off a table. But the system marked it as complete, so I am qualified.”

Management defended the move as a cost-saving measure. They fired three engineers with decades of experience to make room for Kevin. “Experience is expensive,” explained Sanjay Patel, Head of Strategic Efficiency. “Kevin knows the buzzwords now. He can say ‘scalable’ and ‘neural network.’ That is ninety percent of the job. The rest is just Googling error messages until something works.”

At press time, the company fired their entire legal team. They replaced them with an intern who has watched seven episodes of “Suits.”

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