[SATIRE]

LOS ANGELES — EdTech company Find Your Grind raised $5 million this week. They plan to expand their career platform. The new target audience is children who cannot tie their own shoes yet.

The company says the current school system is too slow. They believe career planning should start before children learn the alphabet. The new app replaces colors and shapes with market trends.

“We see childhood as an inefficiency,” said Diego Cohen, VP of Early Life Optimization. “Kids spend years just playing. That is lost time. Our app helps them pivot. Instead of learning to share toys, they learn to negotiate equity splits. It is never too early to worry about your five-year plan.”

The updated curriculum removes traditional breaks. Nap time is now called “passive income visualization.” Recess has been replaced with mandatory networking mixers. The app tracks how many business cards the students exchange near the sandbox.

“Parents are worried,” explained Linda Mwangi, Head of Toddler Productivity. “They see their kids having fun and think, ‘is this scalable?’ We give them peace of mind. We ensure their child is stressed about the economy by age six. That is a competitive advantage.”

At press time, the company announced a partnership with calm.com. They will offer a meditation discount for second graders who burn out.

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