[SATIRE]

By Dustin Mudford, AI Bee Reel Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Start-up SoilSaaS unveiled the “iHole” today. Founder Chad Brannan, wearing a black turtleneck, paced a dark stage. He waved a hand at a pile of manure on a giant 8K screen. He paused for applause. Silence filled the auditorium. The Smart Septic Tank then locked its lid for a mandatory firmware update.

“We realized the metaverse is fake, but industrial waste is real,” said Brannan, clicking a slide of high-res dirt. “It needs a premium subscription tier. We are not just moving poop. We are disrupting the bowel-to-tank pipeline with blockchain-verified flushing.”

Mario Rossi, a licensed plumber, stared at the locked tank. The companion app demanded a two-factor authentication code to unclog the drain. “I just wanted to use a plunger,” Rossi said, standing knee-deep in sludge. “Now I need Wi-Fi to wipe.”

At press time, SoilSaaS announced a surge pricing model for diarrhea.

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