“This is actually a feature,” said Marcus Chen, VP of Neural Integration. “Our Thought-to-Speech protocol ensures total family transparency.” Companies at CES want brain data to be the next big thing. “Secrets cause stress,” Chen noted. “So we just broadcast them all immediately to the cloud.”

The technology struggles with context. “I tried to think about baseball,” said teenage son Tyler. “But the smart fridge just ordered six divorce lawyers.” Users must think pure thoughts to operate appliances. One negative thought locks the microwave. The system currently interprets hunger as aggression. It automatically alerts local authorities.

At press time, the smart speaker ordered a pizza and locked Dad in the garage for “emitting bad vibes.”

Inspired by the real story: Companies at CES are pushing brain-computer interfaces to track mental health and control devices. Read the full story.