[SATIRE]

SEOUL — Coupang confirmed this week that 34 million customer records are now online. The company says this is a feature, not a bug. They called it a “rapid external backup.”

Executives denied that the data was stolen. They claimed they simply moved it to a more open environment. “We believe data wants to be free,” said Sanjay Petrov, VP of Data Flow. “Keeping customer addresses behind a firewall felt selfish. Now, any hacker can access this info without barriers. We removed the friction between your private life and the internet.”

The leak includes names, addresses, and payment details. The company argues this helps customers connect with new people. “It is the ultimate social network,” explained Linda Wu, Director of Surprise Engagement. “Before this, you had to tell people where you lived. Now, strangers already know. It saves so much time.” She noted that customers can still request privacy. They just need to find the form. It is currently located on a server that is unplugged.

At press time, Coupang offered free credit monitoring. To sign up, users must post their passwords on a public forum.

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